And then there was Patrick...
o0pixie_dust0o
Iam not that girl.

No, I AM NOT her.

You know the girl I'm talking about- the one who falls apart after every breakup. The girl eating pints of Ben and Jerry's laced with Cheetos Puffs after yet another man has stomped vigorously on the heart she had handed him. She sits, wallowing in despair as she watches romance movies with tears streaming down her face as she screams at the main character how her love interest doesn't REALLY love her; she tells the actress how men are scum.

No, I am the girl who silently takes the heartache. He's probably better off without me anyway- what do I have to offer? Nothing. Willing to back away from anything and everything I have invested in because I know that my worth is less than he is capable of. I am fine with that.

Or, I was.

It has been just over six months. I will fight tooth and nail and say that I am over him, but I am lying. Six months and I feel like this void will never be filled because when he left he took a big, big part of my heart; what is worse, is that I let it happen. Even now, though it makes me feel weak and stupid, I have tears in my eyes because I lost an amazing friend and someone I thought had real potential as a partner.

Every day I wake up and put on this broken mask, chipped and worn from life; it serves its purpose well. I look happy. I look in love. The truth is I am in love, but I feel like nothing will ever touch what I felt for him, it is truly a whole different heartache.



Don't forget me, I begged.
I remember you said;
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead.



Adele's Someone Like You is so poignant. I cry every time I hear it; as cliche as it is. I just can't help it- it is my situation and feeling those lyrics hits me with a one-two punch.

I remember the letter I wrote to him after the week of crying myself to sleep realizing I had lost him. He was going to leave on my birthday. I refused to beg him to stay, no matter how much it was killing me inside to know that he was going. He was running away from the situation and I was letting him go without a fight because I knew it was just pointless. I had lost, his mind was made up. I left for work that morning and got a text telling me he had left his key on my desk and was heading out. He asked me if we were still going to be friends and keep in touch and I laughed and said that I wanted that more than anything. I had known him for eight years and I refused to let him just disappear when the romance was over- he was still one of my very best friends.

What a joke, he moved home and soon after moved to another state with his father. He hasn't contacted me since- that is the biggest heartache of all. I begged him not to pull his disappearing act on me. I told him that I needed him even if it was not going to work out in a romantic way. He assured me that he would be there and yet nothing is the same and I miss my friend every single day.

I have always felt that by crying I am showing weakness. I do not just let anybody see or hear me cry. He was there for a week of nights where I sobbed myself to sleep while he looked on blankly, played a computer game- cold, unfeeling. I know he distanced himself as a protection but it still hurts to feel like you're nothing to someone you had committed a lot to.

If it weren't for my Elodie and the two Joshuas in my life, I would still be in such a pit of sorrow.

Every day is still a struggle.

This is only the ending half of this story. I feel like I need to write- I need to get it out, this is my outlet. Secretly? I hope he stumbles upon it. I hope he finds out that he has completely broken me and left a gaping, opened wound. Not even a flesh wound- so much deeper than that, a heart wound.

This subject is not over, I would like to get the full story out, but emotion is overcoming me and the keys become blurrier with every click. Just the thought of him sends me into a flurry of emotions.

I doubt myself. I doubt everyone around me. I have pulled the safety blanket ever tighter around myself. I don't know what strength I will need to let someone in again. I feel like I have made that mistake too many times; I have trusted too many people who have just hurt me.

Such is life, right?

(no subject)
o0pixie_dust0o
Something great and intriguing has actually happened. Last night I got a call from one of the interviewers I'd been in contact with. It was too late to call back so I was going to wait until today.

They called me at work and have offered me a full-time position beginning July 5th! No break in service, thank God.

When I told my parents, my father informed me that my great-grandmother Sarah Zimblemann (Yes, I WAS named after her!) had worked at the same place!

It kinda gave me goosebumps.. She's been gone for so long, but I've been stressing so much about not having a job.. it's given me such a weird feeling.

Like.. coincidence? I don't know! I've never been a heavy believer of spiritual things, but this seems slightly eerie.

Otherwise, I'm so grateful! My Office Manager (my supervisor's supervisor) came and told me today that she recieved a call asking for a reccomendation for me yesterday. She is too sweet and people seem to be genuinely upset that I am leaving. They keep talking me up and it makes me feel amazing. I'm not used to getting recognition, let alone feeling deserving of it in any way.

All I can say is it's going to take quite a bit to bring this day down.

Thanks to all of you who made me feel better in my last entry. I know we barely know each other now since I've been gone from here for so long. Sometimes it just takes a bit of kindness from anyone, really, to feel better.

*shrug*
o0pixie_dust0o
I'm scared.

After this week I won't have a job. I've been laid off of the job I've busted my ass for for the past four years.

I've been offered part time, but that's just about as much as I would make with unemployment.. 28 hours a week with a $2.50 pay cut.

I will barely be scraping by and I don't dare ask for help.

I'm so fucking proud. I hate it. I'm scared to death that I'm going to fail and I can't even get enough courage to tell anyone, let alone let anyone help me if I'm going to need it.

I feel like I'm going to be extra needy and self-centered and I don't want it to feel like the Sarah show like it has. I've had a rough year.. this is just icing and it's only half over.

I know I'll be alright. I have an amazing family who will do what it takes to help me.. But it makes me feel dependent. It makes me feel needy, young, like I can't stand on my own feet. I don't know what's worse, the feeling like I'm always drowning in shit, or the fact that I have to reach out and take help from other people.

And in other news I think I've found someone/something that actually means something. Something of substance. I don't feel like this person only wants to be with me because I'm what many people might consider 'easy.'

Why am I that way? I just want to feel loved, wanted, needed... accepted. And in that sense I do. I know I'm not beautiful. I know that I am not thin, nor will I ever be either of those two things. Some days I tell myself how I'm nothing but a fat piece of shit and why do I deserve anything that slightly makes me happy. It's me. It's all that I've been dealt with other people. It's what I've learned, perceived, through all of my experiences. I'm ready to accept it. I'm not fishing for sympathy or compliments.

I just want to experience something that is no strings attached. Carefree, where someone loves me for all that I am AND all that I'm not. I want so bad just to feel like I have and deserve that....

Love.
o0pixie_dust0o
How do you know when you're in love?

I feel like I've been there so many times; yet it isn't enough to hold fast to the person I believe I am in love with. How do you know the first time you tell someone you love them that you are being honest and it's not just the good new feeling of a fresh relationship?

Everyone I've told I loved, I still believe I love. As cliche as it sounds, there is love and there is being in love. I love people easily. I fall for people, whether as a friend or romantic interest and I will do anything for these people. I adore them, yes; I love them. Am I in love with them? More than often not.

The question is where is the line? There is no clear-cut tape-on-the-floor show of where one goes from loving to being in love. Is there a definitive moment where one would tell? How can you even ever be sure? So many things in life are fragile- love, I believe is one of those things.

If you're unsure, does it mean that it makes the times you say it insincere? If you don't say it, are you unfeeling? What do you say when someone tells you that they love you and even though you don't want to, you doubt it? Is it wrong to doubt it if you're unsure what love really is? If you think that maybe they're more in love with the idea of who you are and what you represent instead of you yourself?

Love is such a confusing emotion. It can't accurately be described because it's different for everyone. How, then, do we know when it's real? Is the answer just not to question, to feel? I think that may be it.

It's so intangible, how can you know for sure?

Thinking.
o0pixie_dust0o
I was thinking today.. about the old dolling community, and how many fabulous friends I had.

I miss you! Kirsten, Lis, Adrea, Nett, Tee, Manda.. Just off the top of my head. I hate that I fell out of contact with any/all of you. I hate even more that there are people I've forgotten!

I'm gonna clean up this silly journal- hopefully some of you out there remember me <3

Sometimes...
o0pixie_dust0o
Sometimes you know when it's right.

When it works.

When every waking moment is spent thinking of him.

<<33

It's so right.

(no subject)
o0pixie_dust0o
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(no subject)
o0pixie_dust0o
If i were someone else
Would you love me?
If i weren't me
Would you feel the way i do?
If i lived a different life
Would things be any different?
If i didn't love you
Would i still feel this way?

(no subject)
o0pixie_dust0o

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