Iam not that girl.
No, I AM NOT her.
You know the girl I'm talking about- the one who falls apart after every breakup. The girl eating pints of Ben and Jerry's laced with Cheetos Puffs after yet another man has stomped vigorously on the heart she had handed him. She sits, wallowing in despair as she watches romance movies with tears streaming down her face as she screams at the main character how her love interest doesn't REALLY love her; she tells the actress how men are scum.
No, I am the girl who silently takes the heartache. He's probably better off without me anyway- what do I have to offer? Nothing. Willing to back away from anything and everything I have invested in because I know that my worth is less than he is capable of. I am fine with that.
Or, I was.
It has been just over six months. I will fight tooth and nail and say that I am over him, but I am lying. Six months and I feel like this void will never be filled because when he left he took a big, big part of my heart; what is worse, is that I let it happen. Even now, though it makes me feel weak and stupid, I have tears in my eyes because I lost an amazing friend and someone I thought had real potential as a partner.
Every day I wake up and put on this broken mask, chipped and worn from life; it serves its purpose well. I look happy. I look in love. The truth is I am in love, but I feel like nothing will ever touch what I felt for him, it is truly a whole different heartache.
Don't forget me, I begged.
I remember you said;
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead.
Adele's Someone Like You is so poignant. I cry every time I hear it; as cliche as it is. I just can't help it- it is my situation and feeling those lyrics hits me with a one-two punch.
I remember the letter I wrote to him after the week of crying myself to sleep realizing I had lost him. He was going to leave on my birthday. I refused to beg him to stay, no matter how much it was killing me inside to know that he was going. He was running away from the situation and I was letting him go without a fight because I knew it was just pointless. I had lost, his mind was made up. I left for work that morning and got a text telling me he had left his key on my desk and was heading out. He asked me if we were still going to be friends and keep in touch and I laughed and said that I wanted that more than anything. I had known him for eight years and I refused to let him just disappear when the romance was over- he was still one of my very best friends.
What a joke, he moved home and soon after moved to another state with his father. He hasn't contacted me since- that is the biggest heartache of all. I begged him not to pull his disappearing act on me. I told him that I needed him even if it was not going to work out in a romantic way. He assured me that he would be there and yet nothing is the same and I miss my friend every single day.
I have always felt that by crying I am showing weakness. I do not just let anybody see or hear me cry. He was there for a week of nights where I sobbed myself to sleep while he looked on blankly, played a computer game- cold, unfeeling. I know he distanced himself as a protection but it still hurts to feel like you're nothing to someone you had committed a lot to.
If it weren't for my Elodie and the two Joshuas in my life, I would still be in such a pit of sorrow.
Every day is still a struggle.
This is only the ending half of this story. I feel like I need to write- I need to get it out, this is my outlet. Secretly? I hope he stumbles upon it. I hope he finds out that he has completely broken me and left a gaping, opened wound. Not even a flesh wound- so much deeper than that, a heart wound.
This subject is not over, I would like to get the full story out, but emotion is overcoming me and the keys become blurrier with every click. Just the thought of him sends me into a flurry of emotions.
I doubt myself. I doubt everyone around me. I have pulled the safety blanket ever tighter around myself. I don't know what strength I will need to let someone in again. I feel like I have made that mistake too many times; I have trusted too many people who have just hurt me.
Such is life, right?
- And then there was Patrick...